November Already

It has been nine months since I posted on Blogger. I met a deaf fellow named Steve in March. We have been going on and off with each other. Things were pretty good for five months till I decided to break up with him. We had no contact for two months till he send me two birthday cards in September. It was then we got in touch and seeing each other again.

Couple months pass, things appeared to become rocky again. Steve became frustrated and I became stubborn. He wanted this while I don't while I wanted that while he doesn't. We created several conflicts and appeared to be stretching out in opposite directions. It appeared the more he learned of me, the more unsettling he become. As if the quote says: "If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best" That's how I felt when he gets frustrated with me, believing that I should deserve better, believing that I should be better than that. I understand that he thinks highly of me, but I felt like he's pushing me to become the type of better girl he thinks I should be, while I do not see myself anything worse or better as I am now. Yes, there are always room for improvement. I do not ask for someone to help me change. All I want is someone to be at my side while I save myself.

Okay base on what you're saying: You talked with my parents, learned that I'm scared of people with high morals. You're tired of being mistreated and does not like what I have been involved in my life. We are two different people, while your heart have strong feelings for me. I am kind and sweet, and you do not want to lose me over what I have done. You hope that I didn't go out with other guys after what you have said to me. You said, that isn't the real girl I would be in love with. You're becoming more like my parents. You get upset and dislike many things about/from me. By "working this out", do you mean becoming serious, living together, and eventually get married? You have been involved with drugs, drinking, dealing with ghosts/demons though the board game, cutting yourself, and many more. I do not hate you for it. It is what you have experienced in your life. It is what you have been through. It is what make you who you are. I am not asking you to change you. You know what you want and you know what to do. I am not upset over what you have done in the past. Okay?

 The way you react toward the things I've show you, what you've discovered from being nosey, the way you react to what I've told you, is very annoying, and it made me feel like you're judging me. How can I be able to tell you everything if you're going to continue being this way, continue to see the wrongs I have done, and preaching me to do better than that?

 As for working things out, I do not want to marry you. I just simply wanted enjoy life as is, without looking for more in the future. There many things we can do, as individual. I learn what you like or what make you happy, then I will support that. You want to change your place, I help by giving ideas and suggestions. Not by putting my things into your place. I understand that you are happy with me and how I made a difference in your life for the better. I'm glad that I can give you good influence. I understand that you're trying to give the same good influence to my life. But no, it doesn't work the same way. One cannot force love or certain feelings to happened. I don't hate you. I like you. I love you as a friend. I do not like it when you're hanging on to me too close. I like it when you let me go, which in turn pulls you close to me for letting me go. I am not all for intimacy or romance, but I am all for about being in a comfort zone, where no one gets upset. You just have to understand that I do not have deep love for anyone. I can be concerned and thoughtful in my own way, but to feel deep love for someone, it is just not there. Okay?

 People with high morals means they will judge, and they have high expectations. People with high morals means I cannot meet or match their standards. Therefore, I rather to be away from them, and work on my own standards and build my way up from there, till I can fit in to whoever I wish to be with. I am sorry that I failed to meet your standard girlfriend/wife you wanted in your life.

A Year Later

It has been a year since I posted an update about living here. I got my own car shortly after I posted about January. It is a dark red (maroon) 1996 Mazda 626, for $1,600. It passed the safety inspection, but have number of minor parts that needs to be repaired. My dad took care of those things, except for fixing the axles. He will repair them soon when he's back from his business trip.

Work so far this month are doing well. I learned that there are only two groomers, and the rest of the workers in grooming shop are bathers. It appeared to be case where there are more bath dogs than for grooming dogs. Sounds good to me. The third groomer Erin moved to other town. I was told there will be other third groomer coming back to Petco. I didn't catch the name. Some days are fairly slow, with two or three dogs. One day was overbooked, having two standard poodles, plus two small dogs. It was pretty crazy. At least, I managed things quite well, despite when I become exhausted by the end of the day.

Yesterday, my mom & I went shopping together. I bought some clothes from Goodwill & Plato's Closet. I couldn't wait to wear them next week! (Because I work on Friday and Saturday.) I think I can wear one or two for church on Sunday.

I have been having dreams lately, which I don't mind and love having them. However, the other day, I dreamed where the focus was about causing or inflicting pain, physically & emotionally, to this fellow. The bad guys took away his girlfriend/wife, whom he love dearly, and took away his precious book/journal. Then they spend rest of the time torturing him, making him wishing he wants to die, but wouldn't allow him to. Finally at the end, he managed to escape, hiding among the peacemaker people in town, but the bad guys seems to always make hiding difficult. Before I woke up, he was being tracked down by dogs.

The dream I had this morning are weird and interesting. it's very long so and I didn't take the time to remember them as much as i can. I allow most of them to forget or slip away from my awaking memory. All I know it is something to do with making connection with people, animal, things...as if spreading energy from one to another, as if it's part of a quest or game, to past it on as much as possible.

Ah, I better go now. It is time for me to go to work. HUGS Have a NICE day!